My Milk Straws Bring All the Boiz to the Yard

Milk. It’s come a long way since I was a kid. We know the standards. Whole, skim, 2%, chocolate, and even Soy. Sometimes you’ll find strawberry. Heck I’ve even seen orange creamsicle.

I guess a few years ago the nut business wasn’t doing as well as it had been in the past, so they decided to grind up everyone’s favorite nuts with some water then strain that, and it would be sold as “milk”. I’m into it. Very into it. Chocolate almond milk is one of my favorite drinks and regular almond milk made me start eating cereal again.

“Why the hell are you talking about milk, Tom?” is probably what you’re thinking to yourself right now, and the reason is because of a recent discovery I made with a friend of mine. See, a few weeks ago I got a text message asking about an invention like the spork, but more recent. You know, one of those inventions we didn’t really need, but since this is America and we can do whatever the fuck we want, we combine two perfectly good individual items and sell it. I suggested the hard shell tacos with the flat bottoms so they can stand up on their own. Then a couple minutes later I remembered the straws that were made of cereal (I think really only Froot Loops) to entice children to get their calcium the good ole fashion way. I searched for about 2 minutes before I discovered they had been discontinued years ago, and not even Amazon sold them. BUT! My search wasn’t a complete bust. What I found were “Milk Magic Straws”.

“What’s a Magic Milk Straw?”. I’m glad you asked. Some genius in Hungary had the idea to put tiny little flavored pellets in the center of a straw to flavor your milk. I was intrigued. And stoned.

I suggested to my friend that if I order them, and she buys the milk, we should test these puppies out. She agreed and even took it one step further. “Why don’t we try them with different flavored milks?” she proposed. I agreed, and two days later there were Magic Milk Straws on my door step.

We met at her place a couple days after that, smoked a bowl, and got down to business. She told me about the varieties of milk she got for out experiment; skim (dairy), Chocolate Cashew Almond Milk, and Banana Almond Milk. She gave me a sample of the Banana Almond Milk since she had not stopped talking about it since her discovery about it a couple months ago, and I had yet to try it. It was good. It could have been sweeter, but I still gulped it down.

We tried the other two milks as a control. As you probably know, skim was gross, Chocolate Cashew Almond was awesome, and I’ve already told you about the Banana Almond.

First up was the Vanilla Milkshake Magic Milk straw. I didn’t think it was possible to make skim milk taste worse, but somehow the milk straw did just that. It just tasted like “sugar milk” and I wanted to end the experiment then and there, but we continued on. Remember how I said the Banana Almond milk could have been a little sweeter? HOLY CRAP. My eyes lit up and I exclaimed “THAT’S WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR!” The vanilla straw made it taste just like a god damn banana milkshake. It was the only combination to score a perfect “10” on my score card (that’s right, we made score cards). When paired with the Chocolate Cashew Almond, it pretty much just tasted like the milk leftover after eating a bowl of Cocoa Puffs. It did it’s job.

After the Vanilla Milkshake straw, we rinsed the cups and refilled. Next up: Strawberry. I remember loving Strawberry Nesquik in middle school. I was excited to see if I could relive that memory. Skim was up first again. At this point, I was starting to think nothing could make skim milk taste good (spoiler alert, I was right). We quickly moved on to the Banana Almond milk. You’re familiar with Dippin’ Dots, right? Specifically the Banana Split ones? This was a liquid form of that. I’m not the biggest fan of Dippin’ Dots, but this was a flavor combination I could get behind. Unfortunately, the chocolate flavor of the Cashew Almond milk overpowered the strawberry, and it pretty much just tasted like chocolate nut milk.

Rinse and repeat.

Next, we busted out the chocolate straws. This time, it might have maybe helped the skim milk. Nope. The straw made it taste like one of those Carnation Instant Breakfast drinks.I started to feel bad for the skim milk, but there was nothing that could be done. I was most excited to try this straw with the Banana Almond milk, but ended up being a little disappointed by it. It was good, but it didn’t taste like one of those chocolate covered bananas you can get in the freezer section at some grocery stores (Trader Joe’s I think? If you find them, buy a box and we can enjoy them together. Maybe tell each other some stories. Hm. Wouldn’t that be nice). Then, to my surprise, the straw didn’t make the Chocolate Cashew Almond milk taste any more chocolatey. It became obvious the flavor of the chocolate in the Cashew Almond milk was just too powerful for any other flavor.

It was getting late. We were getting full of milk but we weren’t going to let that stop us. We only had one Magic Milk Straw to try. Cookies n Cream. My least favorite flavor combination. I like Oreos, don’t get me wrong, but anything else “cookies n cream” flavor can kick rocks. Don’t like it? GET OUT. Just kidding. Please stay, and sorry for getting so heated back there. But really, the straw didn’t affect the flavors of any of the milks. Maybe skim, a little, but banana and chocolate pretty much tasted the same.

That’s when my partner said “Wait a minute!” I waited. “Isn’t this one probably just half vanilla and half chocolate?” Those jerks ripped us off! But it made sense. The vanilla really had only made everything sweeter, while the chocolate dulled everything else. No wonder. It just neutralized any other flavor. Color me unimpressed.

After the testing we decided to do a *BONUS ROUND* where we mixed the Banana Almond milk with the Chocolate Cashew Almond milk and of course tried all the straws with it. I didn’t take notes for that, so you’ll just have to imagine what it was like. Then we got bad we cut open the vanilla and the strawberry straws (even though the package strictly forbids it. Screw ’em. We’re adults.

We tasted the beads, they were interesting. A lot harder than you’d think. Sugary, of course. Then we did exactly what you’re thinking right now. We combined the vanilla and the strawberry beads. Again, I didn’t take notes on it, so you’ll just have to use that beautiful brain of yours to imagine what it was like. I remember it being pretty good. Run with that and see where you get.

It was time to clean up. We put the milk in the refrigerator after realizing it had been out for at least two hours. Whoops. It’ll be ok. Nuts are always served at room temperature, and the rest of the skim milk was going down the drain anyway. We said our goodbyes, and I was out the door. I went to Taco Bell and headed home.

What a way to spend a Monday night.

If you or someone you know is curious about flavoring milk, please don’t hesitate to reach out to https://magicstraws.com/. They’ll be sure to take care of you. And if none of the flavors we tested sound good to you, they do have a wide range of other flavors like cotton candy, root beer, and cinnamon bun. If you’re tired of boring water, be sure to check out their “Water Magic Straws” that will add flavor and fizz to your water.

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