Like most Americans, my phone is the first thing I see in the morning. I’m not operating at 100% when I’m looking through the internet as soon as I wake up, so when I saw KFC was doing test markets across the Southern United States, I never really thought this Cheetos Chicken sandwich would ever make it’s way to my mouth. I wasn’t reading carefully enough. Richmond is one of six lucky locations in the country to be part of this test market.

It was probably the coldest day of the year, I was hungry, sitting on my couch, and thumbing through Twitter. A friend, who’s vegetarian, tweeted about how the Cheetos sandwich from KFC sounds pretty good. I stopped scrolling and had to get to the bottom of this. I reply and she quickly replies with a link and I’m out the door and on my way to 9300 Midlothian Turnpike.

Of course, this isn’t a trip you take on your own. So I pick up my lifelong best friend and trusted food companion. I drive, he navigates. After spending too much time in rush hour traffic, we get there. The only KFC in the country with a parking lot large enough to raise a herd of cattle and sell them to the McDonald’s next door. I parked and flung my door open, just because I could. We walk in and are greeted by an almost empty restaurant with the exception of a huge line, and a brightly colored display for exactly what we came for. The Cheetos Chicken sandwich.

They are so. extremely. short staffed. The man at the front of the line wearing a brightly colored jacket with the word “VALET” is flustered, asking to speak to a manager. There is no manager on duty. What? He’s mad because he had been there THREE TIMES IN A ROW, and they were out of breasts each time. The “acting manager” tells him “I’m sorry sir, but everybody loves breasts” his eyes catch mine, I smile, he nods. Valet leaves without any breasts. The lady and her son in front of us, and behind valet jokingly ask for three breasts. Everyone has a good laugh, and they place their actual order. They were so cute, and I wish them nothing but the best. As for “VALET” I hope he got what he was looking for, but I’m positive he didn’t.

IT’S MY TURN TO ORDER. I nervously place my order. “Hi…can I have one Cheetos Chicken sandwich combo, a side of mashed potatoes, and a biscuit.” The cashier was so excited. It was the first Cheetos Chicken sandwich order he got to ring in. Our excitement was shared, but for different reasons. I pay and receive my medium soda cup. As I walk to the soda fountain my eyes light up. Not only at the huge selection of soda they have, but they have the one soda I always crave at fast food places, that no one seems to have anymore. Wild Cherry Pepsi. I fill my cup and gulp it down before my friend places his order. I get a refill and find a table to anxiously await for my sandwich and sides. While I’m sitting, a couple walks in and the woman yells “THERE IT IS!!!” pointing to the signage for the Cheetos Chicken sandwich. They get in line and cannot stop loudly talking about how excited they are to try it. The cashier calls my order out and I go to retrieve it. The couple stops me. “Have you had this yet?” the woman asks me. “No, it just came out yesterday.” I reply. She wasn’t amused with my honesty, but c’mon, lady. The man tells me how excited they are about it, as if I couldn’t already fucking tell. I just hold my bag up, say “…cheers!” and go to my table to unwrap this chicken sandwich made for a 15 year old stoner stuck at his grandparents house all summer.

As soon as I unwrap it, I see this orange liquid that looks like it could have been wiped off our nation’s leader. I wasn’t turned off by it at all, but curious. I dipped my finger in to see what it was. “Cheese sauce”. Ok. My guess is that that it’s the powder from Cheetos mixed with water or maybe some kind of dairy. Other than the orange sweat, the sandwich looks relatively like what you would expect a fried chicken sandwich to look like. I took the top bun off, and as expected, most of the “Cheeto sauce” had oozed off and onto the foil paper. The chicken was a good size piece of meat, I was impressed by that. Underneath the chicken is where anyone that’s ever been on MTV’s Cribs would say “This is where the magic happens” upon entering their bedroom. This was, in fact, where the magic was made. A bed of mayonnaise held eight to ten Cheetos. Not nearly enough in my opinion, but I understand watching your food costs. Especially for a test product.

I reassembled the sandwich and dove in. It tasted exactly how I thought it would. A plain ass fried chicken sandwich with crunchy bits. I love the idea of fast food places and snack companies joining forces, but this has got to be the lamest attempt.

Overall, I rate the sandwich 3 out of 5 french fries, but as for the experience, 5 out of 5 Fire sauce packets